Modifiers: Modify Your A$$ Out of Here

For the writer, words are our friends.  They tell us how they're feeling.  They aren't afraid of expressing themselves--unlike our spouses.  In fact, we can get practically polyamorous with them, believing that we need as many of them in our lives as we can get.  ("Big Love," anyone?)

For the editor, all that is a gigantic, "Yeah, no."  Of course, words are a cool way to express ourselves, but you gotta know when enough is enough.  Despite the beliefs of rabid Lady Gaga fans, there really is such a thing as too much of a good thing.  Cut it out, writers, or we will.

One of the core areas in which I notice bloat in language and writing is the overuse of modifiers.

"What's with all these big words? you query.  (Ooops!  Another one.)

It's pretty simple, really.  A modifier is a word that gives a description of another word.  In boring English class--you know, the class you slept your way through--you may have heard them called "adjectives" or "adverbs," or some crap. As an editor, we refer to them as &*$%#<=+#, as in the language we use when we come across them misused so frequently.

Here are some examples of modifiers:

Bad
Good
Totally
Pretty
Really
So

Now let's see how we encounter their being raped to holy hell in nature:

That so-called good book I was forced to read by my totally horrible teacher was pretty bad and really asinine. It was so utterly stupid, man!

Please never write this way. Not only does it sound juvenile, but the amount of unnecessary modifiers in here borders on the obscene. You don't get awarded anything for putting the most number of useless and irritating modifiers in one sentence.When you really look at these risible sentences, what you see is words that don't add any value to the words being modified.

For example, we get that your teacher sucked. Yeah, she was horrible. But totally horrible? Really? As opposed to what? Being partially horrible? Obviously, what we're trying to communicate is the ultimate terrible teacher, and that's cool, but you don't need two words to express that sentiment, not when one will suffice. Let's just call her horrible. Or if you want to be over the top, we'll call her Beyonce.

The same goes for most of modifiers in the sentence; they're just not needed. Kick them to the curb so you have a lean sentence and communicate a straightforward message.

I should mention that modifiers, also referred to as intensifiers, do have a place at times. For example, in creative writing, they're certainly appropriate to really paint vivid pictures for your readers. When hatin' on modifiers, I'm referring to business writing, though. After all, it's awesome to say "the ominously dark skies" in a short story.  It's not so awesome to say "you're super fired" when canning the guy with seven kids, a wife, and a mortgage.  Workplace violence much?

So pay attention to your next writing assignment, whether it for work or pleasure. Scrutinize that adjective before it makes to the editor's desk. Interrogate that adverb as if it were in Guantanamo Bay. Your message and audience deserve it.  And so does the editor who has to read your stuff.

Get down and dirty with Purdue's lesson on unnecessary modifiers.  Try not to fall asleep, please.

Fear My Pen of Correction

I am a writer and editor, but mostly an editor--and a bad-ass one, too.  (Yes, I said "ass."  I'm allowed to.  Because I edit.)  I have yet to meet a sentence that has survived my red pen of correction.  I eat object pronouns for lunch.  I decimate subject pronouns.  I spit in the face of dangling modifiers.

I will &%* your sentence up!

Okay, so maybe that paragraph was a little harsh and is probably the reason why I have such a reputation.  So I won't &%* your sentence up, but I may just whisper in its ear in an attempt to inveigle it to present itself a little better.  After all, first impressions are lasting ones.  Your writing simply has to be the prettiest thing walking around.  I mean, it's a reflection of you.

Welcome to the purpose of this blog then.  I want to help people write better by helping them with their English skills.  For most people, writing is not fun, but it's necessary.  They hear so many conflicting stories of what you should and shouldn't write.  They feel the urge to regurgitate when they have to write a homograph.  And they wonder whether it's okay to start their sentences with FANBOYS.  (No, those aren't the dudes you see at the local gay-pride parade, thank you so much!)  It can all be so dang confusing!  But it doesn't have to be.

With my threats assistance, you will be more comfortable writing that office memo (administrative assistants, run in fear!) or turning in that research paper to your gangsta English professor.  But we have to be real here:  Not everyone is a writer, and not everyone will write with one hand tied behind her back.  I'm good, but I'm no Miracle Worker.  So, again, the goal is to help you become more comfortable with writing, because something tells me that breaking out in a cold sweat and chanting the book of Deuteronomy in reverse won't really help you.

So don't pay attention to the title of this article.  You don't really have to fear my mighty pen of correction.  Just relax.  We'll get through this this language thing together, and you'll probably laugh just a little along the way.

Caveat:  I am not perfect.  (I know!  I was shocked when I found out, too!)  So if you find a grammar error in any of my articles, you can send corrections to biteme@irejectyourhateration.com.